The Diet Mountain Dew Diet
June 21, 2009
My son turned 17 last week. I still blame him for those pesky extra pounds and the lack of resilience in my stomach, not like sit-ups would help or anything.
After I gave birth to the cherub, I was too chubby to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. 25 pounds does that to you even after you squish out 7 pounds 7 ounces. I was also too cheap and proud to buy new clothes to fit my new body. And I was young enough to throw caution to the wind and embark on a diet of my own creation.
The Diet Mountain Dew Diet.
I’d buy a six pack of Diet Mountain Dew each day and place them in a cold container. If I was home for the day, that cold container was the refrigerator. If I was at a relative or friend’s house or work, well, they all had refrigerators. But, if I was on the road, my cold container was a blue and white ice chest filled with, yeah, ice and Diet Mountain Dew.
The diet went like this – drink a Diet Mountain Dew and let that hold me over until I was shaky. Then eat three bites of something and drink lots of water. Wait until I got hungry again and stave off the hunger with a Diet Mountain Dew until I got shaky. Then eat three bites of something – cereal, my husband’s sandwich, an apple – whatever, and drink lots of water and wait until I got hungry again.
The diet worked. The waistband on my jeans and shorts weren’t loose, but they also weren’t cutting a Grand Canyon size gorge into my flesh either.
I was a bit edgy, minor side effect since I don’t do hunger very well, but it got blamed on my lack of sleep since the cherub still got up at least once every night.
Then my bones started to ache, those bones in my head, my teeth. First they just ached when I drank something really cold. I solved that by drinking my Diet Mountain Dew and water warm. This was great because I no longer needed to plan for a cold container to hold my Diet Mountain Dew. Aw, simplicity is the life for me, or so I thought.
Then my teeth started to ache when I chewed real food. I figured that was good for the diet and the diet morphed into a Diet Mountain Dew and applesauce – only three bites of applesauce – diet. Then my teeth began to ache when I breathed through my mouth. So I kept my mouth shut and breathed through my nose, which also helped with the being edgy part of the diet.
The waistbands on my shorts and jeans were actually loose enough that I was actually able to sit down without grimacing.
Finally, my teeth hurt when I tried to move my tongue to enunciate words while talking.
This was a problem.
At first I couldn’t figure out why my teeth hurt. Was it those damn post-natal vitamins I was taking? I quit taking them. My fingernails were growing too fast anyway and I was having a hard time keeping up with them. All that clipping and filing.
Was it my toothbrush? I bought a new soft-bristle brush and a different brand of toothpaste just to be on the safe side.
Still, my teeth ached.
One day as I was driving down the 55 freeway on my way to a friend’s baby shower, feeling quite pleased with myself being so slim and svelte, though I did feel a tinge of disappointment that I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone the entire shower because of how painful it was to my teeth. I was even making plans to keep smiling to a minimum, all that free flowing air rushing around my sensitive pearly whites scared me a bit. I took a sip of my breakfast Diet Mountain Dew and it dawned on my. Maybe my diet was making my teeth hurt.
I gave up Diet Mountain Dew - in large quantities – that day and my teeth recovered quickly.
My waistline also recovered and I had to take up exercise, not quite as glamorous as a Diet Mountain Dew diet, but my teeth were much happier.
My teeth kept saying ouch, ouch, ouch, until I figured it out.
Now that the cherub is 17, I love shopping for new clothes, and sometimes the only excuse I have is that my perfectly good clothes in my closet no longer fit, thanks to childbirth.