December 20, 2009

I get so flustered now when it’s time to say goodbye to someone I actually like. Do I say “Happy Holidays” or will they think I’ve joined the forces that are attacking Christmas. Friday I actually said “Happy Merry Christmas” to a friend who I know is a devout Christian.

What is wrong with saying “Happy Holidays?” Even if you’re Christian? It’s not like when I say “Happy Holidays” I’m negating Christmas. Christmas is a holiday after all and I am wishing you happiness on that holiday, right?

So, I wondered … what would Jesus do?

Not like I would actually know, especially since I haven’t been to church for several months (Thanks Pastor Ron for keeping me on the mailing list). The problem becomes more troublesome since Jesus never mentions how to behave during the celebration of his birth. I wonder if the apostles threw him some righteous birthday parties.  They were probably too busy trying to figure out the ten virgin parable and wondering if they should go to market or not.

I understand that it is difficult to see traditions change. At our local school holiday festival, “Away in the Manger” was definitely not on the song list. Yes, I was disappointed since I actually know the words to this song, but I also enjoyed the songs I didn’t know, and couldn’t sing along with seeing as how the music was much too difficult for me. I guess the message was that this was NOT a sing along.

But December should be a sing along, or at least a holiday along. Any reason to spend time with family and friends, have a day off work and eat lots – elastic waist pants lots – has to be a good thing, whether you call it Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah. And, wishing someone “Happy Holidays” is a respectful way to let those around you know that you’re just happy they also get time to hang out and eat.

The only attacking of Christmas I plan on doing is the attacking of wrapping paper and stuffing.

No plans here to take the Christ out of Christmas or the zaa out of Kwanzaa or even the Han out of Hanukkah. Lots of plans here to put the holi into the holidays, because time spent with people we love makes us whole and is divine.

This week, I will wish everyone Happy Holidays!

December 13, 2009

The plan this year, as most years, is to spend Christmas Eve with the in-laws and Christmas Day with my family. Now, I love both sides of my family, but do believe that all good things should be done in moderation, including spending time with family. So this back-to-back schedule is making me a bit nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I have spent the last week coming up with strategies to cope with drowning in relatives.

Following are some techniques I’ve observed others in the family using. Maybe one will work for you.

My brother employs the “don’t talk unless talked to” technique. This means that he sits quietly on the couch, very quietly. To get him to say hello to me, I have to say, really loud, “Hello, Darrel.” If you don’t say his name, he doesn’t respond. When anyone talks to him, they have to say his name very loudly, then wait for him to make eye contact. He usually has a look of surprise on his face – like – are you talking to me? surprise. But, I have noticed, he is always pleasant when spoken to and has yet to leave the holidays having been cussed at or kicked out of the house. Things I aspire to!

Then there is my sister who employs the talk so much and so fast that no one else can get a word in edgewise technique. This works great because no one has a chance to say anything Sandy doesn’t like and if Sandy says something you don’t like, there is never a chance to respond and eventually you forget all about it. I have noticed that everyone smiles and nods at Sandy the entire holiday, other things I aspire to.

My in-laws try to set up house rules, like no discussing politics or religion. I refuse to follow these rules, but having a one-sided conversation about how delusion any opinion other than your own is, gets pretty boring – after about thirty minutes. I’ve noticed no one leaves the holiday deciding to never talk to a relative again. I think they’d like not to talk to me again, but because I run out of steam so quickly, I haven’t made them that mad. Besides, I’m good for a laugh – behind my back, of course.

Finally, there is the mother and mother-in-law technique of just feeding everyone the entire time. Someone complains about the gift you gave them, hand that person a piece of pie. Another person mentions they may not make the drive for the holidays next year, put more mashed potatoes on their plate. I’ve borne witness to how a full tummy mellows a person.

Which brings me to my technique, at least the one I’m going to try this year since no one last year bought that my Ipod earphones was actually a hearing aid. I plan on being uncomfortably full the entire two days. I will begin eating Christmas Eve morning and not stop until the 26th. I know this might mean that I will gain some weight, so to prepare, I’ve gone on a crash diet starting now.

If you run into me and I have a dazed look, it’s probably low-blood sugar. If I snap at you while shopping, it’s probably because of the gnawing hunger pains I’m suffering through. If I swerve into you while driving, I’ve passed out from hunger. So, please have patience with me during the next 10 days while I put into action my plan to have patience with my families.

This week I will eat sensibly, sensibly considering I’m going to binge in ten days.

December 6, 2009

Deck the house with tinkle lights

ga ga ga ga ga,ga ga ga gaudy

Let hubby do it to avoid the fights,

ga ga ga ga ga, ga ga ga gaudy.

Picking up gifts from the dollar store

che che che che che, che, che che cheap

For those strangers at your door

che che che che, che che che cheap.

Popping tylenol like they’re tic tacs

gu gu gu gu gu, gu gu gu gulp

Because patience I do now lack

gu gu gu gu gu, gu gu gu gulp.

What to buy for dear Aunt Mary?

yu yu yu yu yu, yu yu yu yuck.

Slippers to cover those toes so hairy

yu yu yu yu, yu yu yu yuck.

Eating healthy goes out the window,

chu chu chu chu chu, chu chu chu chubby

Chocolates especially I do mow,

chu chu chu chu chu, chu chu chu chubby.

Holiday songs on the radio

ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba barf,

I do sing, just nice and low,

ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba barf.

Because tis the season to be jolly

fa la la la la, la la la la,

And I am full of … folly

fa la la la la, la la la lazy!