December 13, 2009
The plan this year, as most years, is to spend Christmas Eve with the in-laws and Christmas Day with my family. Now, I love both sides of my family, but do believe that all good things should be done in moderation, including spending time with family. So this back-to-back schedule is making me a bit nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I have spent the last week coming up with strategies to cope with drowning in relatives.
Following are some techniques I’ve observed others in the family using. Maybe one will work for you.
My brother employs the “don’t talk unless talked to” technique. This means that he sits quietly on the couch, very quietly. To get him to say hello to me, I have to say, really loud, “Hello, Darrel.” If you don’t say his name, he doesn’t respond. When anyone talks to him, they have to say his name very loudly, then wait for him to make eye contact. He usually has a look of surprise on his face – like – are you talking to me? surprise. But, I have noticed, he is always pleasant when spoken to and has yet to leave the holidays having been cussed at or kicked out of the house. Things I aspire to!
Then there is my sister who employs the talk so much and so fast that no one else can get a word in edgewise technique. This works great because no one has a chance to say anything Sandy doesn’t like and if Sandy says something you don’t like, there is never a chance to respond and eventually you forget all about it. I have noticed that everyone smiles and nods at Sandy the entire holiday, other things I aspire to.
My in-laws try to set up house rules, like no discussing politics or religion. I refuse to follow these rules, but having a one-sided conversation about how delusion any opinion other than your own is, gets pretty boring – after about thirty minutes. I’ve noticed no one leaves the holiday deciding to never talk to a relative again. I think they’d like not to talk to me again, but because I run out of steam so quickly, I haven’t made them that mad. Besides, I’m good for a laugh – behind my back, of course.
Finally, there is the mother and mother-in-law technique of just feeding everyone the entire time. Someone complains about the gift you gave them, hand that person a piece of pie. Another person mentions they may not make the drive for the holidays next year, put more mashed potatoes on their plate. I’ve borne witness to how a full tummy mellows a person.
Which brings me to my technique, at least the one I’m going to try this year since no one last year bought that my Ipod earphones was actually a hearing aid. I plan on being uncomfortably full the entire two days. I will begin eating Christmas Eve morning and not stop until the 26th. I know this might mean that I will gain some weight, so to prepare, I’ve gone on a crash diet starting now.
If you run into me and I have a dazed look, it’s probably low-blood sugar. If I snap at you while shopping, it’s probably because of the gnawing hunger pains I’m suffering through. If I swerve into you while driving, I’ve passed out from hunger. So, please have patience with me during the next 10 days while I put into action my plan to have patience with my families.
This week I will eat sensibly, sensibly considering I’m going to binge in ten days.
