Counting Vices as Virtues

May 23, 2010

At my age, the vices I am willing to indulge in are dwindling.

I was never a smoker, except when really drunk. The whole mouth tasting like an ashtray effect of smoking made it unappealing to my desire to enjoy eating. Besides, smoking is supposed to be sexy, but how sexy is it to be coughing until your eyes water. “No darling,” I could rasp, “I’m not teary-eyed because you brought me flowers. I’m choking!”

Yes, there was the drinking. But throwing up after a heavy night of drinking isn’t so funny when you’re over 35. It’s just rather pathetic. Oh, I know, don’t drink until you throw up, some of you are thinking. For me, that is easier said than done so it’s best not to even get started.

You see, when I do something, I figure you should do it all the way, to the best of your ability and all that, or don’t do it.

So last weekend when I decided to go on a caffeine binge, I went on a caffeine binge. Two cups of coffee in the morning. Two diet cokes as a mid morning refresher, then a bottomless glass of iced tea for the afternoon. I was so pleased with myself when I had no trouble falling asleep that night.

Remember those commercials, “No, just one cup or I’m up all night.” Yeah, that’s my life. I was hoping that as I got older things would affect me less, not more. I would be able to drink as much caffeine as I wanted and feel no after effects. I would be able to listen to my conservative Republican friends blabber on about how the country is NOW going to hell in a hand basket and how the Bush administration had nothing to do with it, and not get  blisteringly angry then start screaming at them. I thought age would bring levity.

Instead, I’m more sensitive to things. Eat too much salt, I blow up like Veruca Salt at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Drink too much milk, my stomach becomes a reenactment of the Civil War, with sound effects heard by all. Consume too much Sweet and Low, my teeth sing with sensitivity.

But I have short-term memory problems. I have a hard time remembering that I ate a whole package of cookies yesterday and that’s why I’m bloated today.

So, last weekend, I threw caution to the wind and consumed large quantities of caffeine and thought I would be fine. I thought I deserved to live it up a little. Besides how bad can too much caffeine be, really.

Not too bad actually, until Monday, at about 11 am. 

I was so tired I was dizzy. The world seemed slightly askew.  I was so tired I contemplated drinking some caffeine, then worried about whether I would fall asleep that night.. I was so tired, I went to bed at 5pm and slept until the next morning.

Didn’t get a whole lot done Monday night, and had to spend the rest of the week trying to catch up.

Was it worth it? It never is, that is why they are called vices and not virtues.

I suppose it is time to give up caffeine. A 44 year old woman in bed at 5pm is not a pretty sight.

But I refuse to give up chocolate. Which I think has small traces of caffeine, but who’s keeping track?

This week I will choose my vices carefully, and pretend they are virtues.