September 26, 2010

I know I’ve written about karma before, but sometimes you must spread the news in case someone hasn’t been listening.

When I began dating my husband, about 27 years ago, I called him “stout.” I meant it as a compliment, meaning that he wasn’t like my last boyfriend, whose thighs were thinner than mine and when he drank a glass of milk walked around for the next hour pulling up his shirt, asking me if his stomach was “protruding.”

What I meant was that I liked guys with meat on their bones, and who ate a bit more than me. Unfortunately, he heard “chubby” and got all offended so I had to do some explaining.

As all the best-selling authors writing about bullies will tell you, words matter. One of the first things we teach our children is to “use your words.” It’s been proven that people able to articulate their experiences in such a way as to make these experiences meaningful to themselves and others have a better sense of fulfillment with life.

And, I am an English major married to a PE major. So, it’s no wonder that a repeating conversation we have in our house is …

“What did you just say?”

“What I meant was…”

“Yeah, but what you said was…”

I have tried over the last 27 years to school my loved one on the finer qualities of choosing his words carefully. He, on the other hand, has been trying to school me on the “walk it off” approach to verbal judo.

But I had forgotten about my first blunder with him so many years ago. Probably because he is quite careful about doling out criticisms when it comes to my appearance. Once, when I was seven months pregnant and convinced I could avoid purchasing maternity clothes, he kindly asked one morning, with eyebrows raised and a kind, jovial smile plastered on a face preparing for the repercussions of uttering anything close to a criticism of how I looked, “Are you wearing that to work today?”

Or there’s the time we were at the water park and I asked him to watch me and another mom in a bikini as we walked to the snack bar with our toddlers in tow. When I returned and asked, “So, whose thighs were thinner?” he kindly responded, “You’re a runner, so yours are more muscular.”

Diplomatic, I know.

So, imagine my shock when this week my husband said to me, “Wow, you have a full figure.”

I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.

Really? Full figured. Of course I responded by pointing out, “You just called me fat!”

He back pedaled and explained and back pedaled some more, but I just kept telling him, “You just called me fat, in a nice way, but still…”

But, I couldn’t be too mad at him. I am not the rail thin girl he married. I’m not even the muscular thighed mom he parented with. No, I’m the full figured middle-aged woman he’s stuck with, because all the finances are in my name and he’d be ruined if he tried to leave. At least that is what I tell him

And besides, I had doled out the “stout” card so many years ago. I guess it was my turn. I just hope my turn is over, because being reminded of the stupid things you did as a youngster isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If I had known about this karma thing back then, I probably would have tried a little harder to be a little nicer.

I’m definitely trying harder to be nicer now.

This week I will be open to karma in my life: the good, the bad and the ugly.

September 19, 2010

I admit it, I crack myself up. What’s the saying, when you laugh … the world laughs with you… well, I’m living proof of that.

Take for instance yesterday when I was trying to pull the truck forward. I started the engine. I put the truck in Drive. I applied gas, and the truck inched forward, like it was perfectly happy sitting just where it was, and I know the feeling, I get that same feeling each weekday morning about 5:45 when my alarm goes off. My head wakes up. I swing my legs out of bed, and I inch forward because I had been perfectly happy sleeping away in my cozy bed. So, I didn’t worry too much.

Then my husband said, “Did you take off the emergency brake?” Like I’m some idiot who only started driving recently.

So, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I think so,” Like I’m some idiot who only started driving recently. And sure enough, like I’m some idiot who only started driving recently, I had left the emergency brake on.

So, I did what any grown woman who’s been driving fro 28 years and 7 months and has forgotten to take off the emergency brake before trying to drive would do, I laughed. And guess what, instead of getting irritated with me, my husband laughed too.

You see, if you laugh, your husband laughs with you.

And the other day, when I handed the woman eleven dollars, grabbed my bag of food, not waiting for my change, thinking I was being all generous leaving her the change so she could put it in the tip jar in front of her cash register though this was a food establishment where tipping isn’t really expected, and she had to chase me into the parking lot yelling, “You only gave me eleven dollars,” I laughed.

“Oops!” I handed her another dollar and apologized, making sure she knew it wasn’t on purpose, really. And then I explained why I do so many stupid things.

No, it’s not because I’m stupid.

I do stupid things because I’m a mom. Do you know how many brain cells die from giving birth? Me either, but I’m sure it’s a lot. And then there’s the whole worrying about the kid which has to kill brain cells. And the whole in your face every day about how old you are because if your kids are that old, there is no denying how old you are. And there’s the whole never losing the baby fat thing which I’m sure kills brain cells, or they’re just vacationing with the fat cells because it’s more fun there. The brain only likes fish and other healthy junk like broccoli, but fat cells like cookies and ice cream.

So I laugh because I do not want to waste any more brain cells on getting angry over stuff I’m doing because I’ve already lost too many brain cells as it is. That would be self-defeating.

Besides, I read somewhere that laughing burns more calories than bottling up anger, and I could really go for some cookies and ice cream right now, and I’ve been laughing so much lately, I deserve to consume some extra calories.

This week I will laugh with the world so the world will laugh with me, and I can eat some cookies and ice cream.

September 12, 2010

Well, I made! I’ve finished my most recent writing project, but it has been a journey.

Let’s go back, back, baack, baaack to 2005 when I was still teaching English to seventh and eighth graders. I had found in my 18 years of teaching that the cherubs loved to write, when it was about themselves. I had morphed almost all of our writing projects to be about them, or their families and was having great success, so I thought, hey I should write a book.

Should have, would have, could have!

But as these things usually go, I didn’t.

I did keep writing about it in my journals, that I should be working on this project because it seemed like a good idea, and as these things usually happen, the university kicked me in the butt, namely I was presented with two students to tutor in writing. I thought, what a great opportunity to get all these great ideas into practice!

A year and a half later, I had lots of great ideas with practice and student feedback, but was having trouble putting it into a book. The universe had kicked me in the butt, now it was time for me to kick myself in the butt.

In January I applied to speak at a conference on this book project that wasn’t written, let alone published. Part of me felt like I was testing the idea. If the conference didn’t accept my application, perhaps my great idea for a book wasn’t such a great idea after all – and then I’d be off the hook and not have to write this durned book project that was hanging over my head like a dark cloud knowing I need rain when all I was wanting was sunshine.

Of course, my application was accepted, and I had five short months to get the book done.

With only five short months, I knew I needed some serious help. First I reached out to the best (read pickiest, yes, we’ve had heated discussions about quotation marks!) editor I knew and asked if she would be willing to help me. Carolyn said yes and we set up a schedule for my submission of chapters to her to be done by August.

Next, I needed a professional looking cover and reached out to the best artist I know personally, Daniel. I went to him with my ideas, he executed and then we relied on the best book cover designer I know, Joyce, to put it all together.

Joyce also helped me with getting all the files submitted to createspace – a cool place for semi-self-publishing.

And, there you have it. I presented at the conference, and my newest book project, “Writing with Home: Year One” is now available at Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Home-High-School-Projects/dp/1453763228/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284329055&sr=1-13 or at Teachers Paying Teachers http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Search/Writing+with+home/Any/Ninth/Creative-Writing/Homeschool-Curricula (if you click on the “Poetry in Two Voices” Booklet, you can download it for FREE!).

So, now I’m done with book project, except, that is, for the marketing part. And that is where you, my dedicated readers, come in. If you know anyone who teaches High School English, or anyone who homeschools their high school children, perhaps you can pass the word along that this is available. Pleeeeeeze!

Because any success I’ve ever had has been because of the good people in my life who have been willing to support me along the way. You know I’d do the same for you!

Thanks!

This week I will be thankful for all the help from my friends along my journey, the big one, and the book one.

September 6, 2010

Or at least, that is what my mom brainwashed me into believing. And the way my life is going, I might be the most interesting woman in the world, though I don’t drink Dos Equis.

I have been trying to be bored. Seriously. For the past eight months I have been on high alert for trying to get everything accomplished, now that things are at a simmering pace, I’m wanting to be bored, but boredom eludes me.

Early in August I finished some professional development classes through University of Phoenix. Sure, my school district offered to provide the training to me at no charge, over the course of eight Wednesday nights from 6 until 10, but I couldn’t bear to part with those precious hours, so instead I opted to pay private, on-line university prices for the training which required me to “chat” on-line four nights a week, complete an individual assignment weekly and contribute to a group assignment weekly, for the last eight months. No one can accuse me of wanting a free handout, even when it’s offered. But, I am done now, and am waiting for withdrawal to kick in, wait, maybe it has since I no longer wake in the middle of the night wondering exactly what I need to post for the day and worrying that I forgot to post yesterday. Perhaps withdrawal of this sorts is sleeping through the night.

I have also been completing a book project (more details soon, waiting for final publication). I applied to speak at a conference and was accepted. Great news, except the proposal was based on a book project I hadn’t completed. In my sick mind, I figured if I had the conference staring me in the face, I would get the book project done. It worked – and I have the deep dark circles under my eyes to prove it. No, I did not hit myself in the face with the car door,  I would tell you if my husband was punching me in the nose while I sleep. I actually do a fine job of torturing myself all be myself.  So, I spoke at the conference two weeks ago and final publication of the book project should be next week. Now, I’m just waiting for the burning desire to complete another book project. There is a burn, but it’s heartburn from the pulled pork sandwich I ate last night at 11:30 right before going to bed.

And, my freelance projects have wound down. I am hoping to be offered another one, but not yearning for it. Actually, I’m hoping to get the yearning feeling soon.

Yes, I am still working on my Masters, but it feels like a walk along the beach at sunset compared to the circus act I’ve been recently.

And, I’m waiting to be bored. First, I had to get the yard and garden back in shape. Done. Then I had to start my workout routine again, I’m very sore most days, so done. And now “Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations” is having a marathon. Really, I can’t get a break.

Boredom is the state I’m striving for currently. I know that all emotional states are transitory, and even nirvana doesn’t last for long, but boredom, yes, boredom would be nice, soon, please.

This week I will do as little as possible so as to induce boredom.