February 6, 2012

So last week I broke the voodoo mug – the mug I held onto because it was the “perfect” color and size and texture. Too bad it was cursed with bad karma. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of the mug and was so happy when the universe took it from me.

And just last week I was thinking about a necklace I lost about the same time the mug came into my  life.

I bought it at an artist fair while on vacation in Ventura. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and wore it proudly every chance I got, until I got a job where it wasn’t foofoo enough for my upscale professional wardrobe. Then I just wore it on weekends, until one weekend I couldn’t find it.

I couldn’t believe I had lost the necklace since it was my favorite and I had deluded myself into thinking I was taking good care of it even when I couldn’t wear it to work. I wondered where my “true love” dog tag and peace symbol had gone. I searched all the obvious placed then released the charms into the universe, convinced that they had found a better home. I imagined the necklace had moved onto a new owner, one who needed it more than I and wore it proudly.

I have spent the last five years trying to replace this necklace with a total of nine other necklaces, one with a peace sign, one with Buddha, one with a blue glass block, well, the list goes on. I love them all, but none replaced the original.

On Sunday morning, exactly five days after the breaking of the mug, I sat down to put on my running shoes, leaned back and spied my favorite necklace hanging on a hook on the back of my bedroom bureau mirror. Just hanging there waiting for me to find it.

I have moved this bureau at least twice since losing the necklace. Never before spying it.

But, now my mojo was back in place. I was ready to once again wear “true love” and “peace” at the same time.

When I completed my master’s degree and quit my old job five months ago I told myself I was making room in my life for new things, better things, blessed things. Little did I know that some of those things would be old things.

This week I accept the good things into the spaces left by the absent things.

January 30, 2012

So, I broke my favorite mug this week.

I have actually spent the last three years trying to replace it. There was some bad mojo attached to it. A “friend” bought it for me for helping her with some tasks, but not before she yelled at me for all the things I had done wrong.

You see, she couldn’t be two places at once and I willingly took over half of her responsibilities. Then when the day was over, she informed me that I hadn’t kept good enough track of the supplies I used, nor had I kept all the other adults in attendance in “order”.

Of course, I simply shrugged my shoulders and informed her that next time she shouldn’t trust me with such important tasks if she didn’t trust me to take care of things to her specifications. Then she bought me a mug.

It was a beautiful turquoise mug with a handcrafted texture but a perfectly machine-created base which fit perfectly in the cup holder in my car. It also was largerish. I pride myself on only drinking two cups of coffee a day, but with this mug, two cups equaled half a pot. And I didn’t feel bad about my caffeine habit.

But, it soon became apparent over the course of the next several years that this friend was bad energy, energy I kept thinking was my fault, I kept thinking I could solve if only I had…

I bet we’ve all been there. We like the person. The person makes us laugh, except when she’s making us steam.

When I described this dynamic to another friend and how I thought if only I could… then we would get along, my friend said to me, “You can’t ever be healthy enough for both of you.”

So, finally after showing up to a party in my honor to yell at me, I broke off the friendship. But, I kept the mug.

I told myself, “It’s just a mug.” A perfect mug at that. But on some level I realized that it held some bad mojo because of the atmosphere of bequeathment and subsequent bad feelings between me and the gift giver.

So, I began searching for a replacement. Most mugs were just too big. Seriously, a half a pot of coffee is plenty, even if I can tell myself that the whole pot was only two cups. Some mugs were too heavy. (I’m getting old and a bit fragile.) Many mugs were too small.  So even though I bought a nice set of new mugs for the house, I hung onto my perfect, bad-mojo mug.

Until this week, when it finally slipped from my grasp, crashed to the floor and shattered into several pieces. And I wasn’t even sad. I was actually quite relieved. Finally!

I was describing to another friend how I tend to hang onto things I know are bad for me because it doesn’t seem like there is anything better. She nodded and added, “Especially when there’s something in it for us.” Yeah, that pretty much hit home.

Oh, how I loved the color and texture and size of that mug. Oh, how I am glad that the universe finally took it from me.

Now, if I can just adjust to using a smaller mug and my lack of caffeine headaches.

This week I will let go of things that have bad mojo!

January 22, 2012

Okay, so I don’t want a bigger bone than I can handle, but just this week, after days and days of opening rejections letters, I prayed, “Please, at least throw me a bone.”

Yeah, just a bone to hold me over.

Joseph Campbell tells us to follow our bliss, then someone ingenious wrote a book about how if you follow your bliss, money will follow. I wish I had written that book, because following my bliss, though making me blissful, also makes me hungry and cold and home-bound, since I don’t have the money to buy food, pay the utility bills, or fill the gas tank.

So, I compromise, I work then I write, then I work, then I write. While I’m working I lament that I am trading my time for money. While I’m writing I’m tortured by the thought that I could be out doing something that actually makes me money.

And then I wonder if I shouldn’t just give up on that whole bliss thing anyway. It seems a bit overrated when you’re staring down at your toe peaking through the hole in your shoes.

At one of my motivational workshops I learned that the divine has given me my dreams and it is a lack of faith not to follow those dreams. But lately it’s felt like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of many rejections. Yeah, I know I’m not alone and if I knew who was walking right beside me…who is walking right beside me, I would not fear anything – and still. It’s been one of those weeks.

Friday, before 8 am I got a rejection notice for one of my essays. Then by 9 am – another. At the end of the day, I also was notified that my book proposal – though sure others would feel differently – wasn’t the right fit for this particular agent. I just wish these agents who are so sure they are wrong would introduce me to the agent who will feel differently.

My best writing buddy reminds me all the time that each “no” is one step closer to a “yes.” I just wonder if that isn’t like saying each brownie is one step closer to my running ten miles.

I’m afraid that God thinks I’m a chiwawa when I think I’m a great dane. I want a bone fit for a great dane.

And, my prayers were answered today. I was accepted into a pretigious writing workshop to study with my writing idol.

And, though it isn’t a book contract for my latest manuscript, it is a wonderful opportunity to read, write, commune and learn from other writers, and a time to follow my bliss.

This week I will be resolute in following the dreams I have been given by the divine.

January 8, 2012

Well, I have officially joined the population of those who have been hacked.

I quit using an email account and never deleted it, and the password was, you guessed it, a word. So there are these machines which try every word in the dictionary to figure out the password and then voila, you’ve been hacked.

It was rather nice that the hackers made my life seem so exotic, in Spain on an Exhibition visit, whatever that is. What was nicer though, was the outpouring of contacts and offers to help. I felt so loved! I heard from people I hadn’t heard from in years, and all offering to help!

Yeah, yeah, I also heard from people who had seen me just the day before and wanted to simply alert me – which was also very sweet, the first twenty people were sweet, then I was smiling through gritted teeth to thank the next twenty and pretending it was sweet. No, it was sweet, sweet like the 50th piece of chocolate is sweet, sickly sweet and you wished you had stopped on piece – oh, I don’t know, 49?

And, of course, I was at work, where I did not have access to my private email. Though everyone believes I live an exotic life, visiting Spain and being mugged, I actually still live in the 20th century. You know, I’m not embarrassed by this because the 20th century was not that long ago. And, still living in the 20th century means I do not have a wi-fi phone and do not carry my personal laptop everywhere I go, and even if I did, I go to McDonald’s or Starbucks when I do need wi-fi. And still living in the 20th century, I am amazed every day when I go to work and I am not allowed to log on to my personal email from my work computer. I am actually blocked, crazy fascist computer controls at work. Like as a teacher I could be answering personal emails, yeah, because 9th graders are so good at entertaining themselves without hurting each other or damaging classroom property. Yeah, now I understand why I’m not allowed to check my email on my lunch or breaks. That makes sense, if you live in Stalin’s Russia!

So, I spent the day, at least my breaks and lunch, calling and texting everyone to let them know I was fine. And I am fine. Actually, better than fine, because I feel so loved, and so superior. I have received these messages from my friends, which I always promptly delete. I know hacking when I see it.

As one  of my friends pointed out, “It was so poorly written. I knew it wasn’t you.”

Then there was the friend who texted me that I should bring him a souvenir!

This week I will smile each time I think of a person who hasn’t seen me in years but was willing to send me money in Spain.

January 1, 2012

Instead of looking forward toward what is in front of me, Ive decided to look behind and figure out what I’ve learned, even though that didn’t work out so well for Lot’s wife. Oh well, a little extra salt never hurt anyone, maybe made you a bit thirsty, but whatever.

So, here are my top 3  lessons from 2011.

Lesson #1. I learned how to put on lip liner. Yes, I am at that age when my lips are getting thinner and loosing their luster, yet, I am not interested in having permanent Halloween wax lips.

Instead, I consulted the woman with the most perfect lips I know, Katie. And she was generous enough back in April to allow me to write down the manufacturer and color of her magic wand, and voila, I now have lips again, well, when I apply them, and sure, sometimes they’re a bit uneven. I may have learned how to apply lip liner, but I have not perfected the application yet. As usual, I am a work in progress.

Lesson #2. You gotta make room for the new. I am not a hoarder, so when it is time for something new in my life, I make room for it. Unfortunately, sometimes the universe knows I’m ready even when I don’t. This year was a mix of endings and beginnings. My beloved canary, Notforlong, died in September. I didn’t realize how much that little yellow burst of song affected my life, until it was gone. I walked by his cage daily, looked up to say hello, and he wasn’t there… Then after an appropriate grieving period, I added two new birds to the family. They still don’t have names. Bill suggested Thelma and Louise. Wes likes Harold and Kumar. I was thinking more along the lines of Yoda and Buddha. I suppose we are following the cultural tradition of letting thier names be revealed to us. In any case, their names don’t matter. What matters is the beautiful song they have brought to the house.

And that has been the case for me with other beginnings and endings. So many people have moved out of my life because of a major change in my career situation, and I sorely miss interacting daily with them. Yet, so many surprises have been found in the new people in my life. I am glad there is room in my life for each in their place and time.

Lesson #3. People never cease to surprise me. I am a firm believer that I will encounter in my life the energy I put into the world, so it has been with much consternation that I have been disappointed by the negativity I’ve encountered in the last few years, and I spent time wondering how exactly I was manifesting this energy.

Then, right before Christmas, I was putting gift bags together for my students. My son walked through the room and asked me why I would be making gift bags. “They won’t appreciate them,” he told me, and a part of me agreed. Then my husband piped in, “Some of them will.” I believed both of them were right. I also believed that in either case, I had to make gift bags for them whether they appreciated them or not, because that was my energy.

Then, on the last day before vacation, I handed out gift bags, even to those students who had been admonished during class for being off-task or rude or defiant. I surrounded myself in positive energy, telling myself that I would focus on the kids who appreciated the effort I had made and ignore all the rest, those I was convinced would throw the bag on the floor, break the pencil, break the eraser and complain about the candy.

Instead, every kid was appreciative. ”Thanks Ms. M. I need a pencil,” I heard over and over and it was probably the best Christmas gift I’ve had in a long time – a reminder that people are always about to surprise me with kindness.

I have learned many other lessons this year. These are just the highlights. Someone famous once said, experience is the greatest teacher. I just want to add, it is also the culprit of my deepening wrinkles, frown lines and, most importantly, laugh lines.

This week I will look forward to the lessons ahead in 2012.